How to Be a Better Listener: Improving Communication in Relationships

Communication problems are one of the most common reasons couples and families seek therapy—but often, what people call “communication problems” are really listening problems. At Akua Family Therapy in Hawai‘i, we help individuals, couples, and families build stronger connections by learning how to listen with empathy, curiosity, and emotional awareness.

Why Listening Is the Key to Better Relationships

Hearing someone’s words doesn’t always mean we’re truly listening to understand. Many people hear the sound of a voice but miss the emotional message behind it. True connection happens when we listen for meaning, not just for words.

As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, it feels damn good.” This kind of deep, non-judgmental listening builds trust and safety in relationships.

At Akua Family Therapy, our therapists often begin couples therapy and family therapy sessions by modeling and teaching reflective listening and emotional attunement before exploring deeper conflicts or past hurts.

Simple Ways to Improve Your Listening Skills

1. Ask Clarifying Questions
   Don’t assume you understood—ask! Try phrases like:
   
   

   • “Am I hearing you correctly?”
     
     

   • “Did I get that right?”
     
     

   • “Can you tell me more so I can understand better?”
     
     

2. Use Reflective Listening
   Repeat or summarize what the other person said in your own words. This shows that you’re engaged and helps ensure you truly understood.
   
   

3. Stay Regulated Before You Respond
   When emotions are high, take a few deep breaths. You might need to pause and revisit the conversation later. Communication isn’t effective when either person feels defensive or overwhelmed.
   
   

4. Be Curious, Not Critical
   Curiosity opens hearts. Criticism shuts them down. You can ask, “What are you feeling right now?” or “What do you need most from me?”
   
   

5. Avoid Assumptions
   We’ve all heard the saying, “To assume makes an ass out of you and me.” While not always true, it reminds us that assumptions create misunderstandings. Replace assumptions with curiosity and clarity.
   
   

Listening Through the Lens of Empathy

Therapist and author Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), emphasized that empathy begins when we stop judging and start understanding the feelings and needs behind someone’s words.

Learning these skills can improve every aspect of your life—from marriage and parenting to friendships and workplace relationships. When you practice empathy, reflective responses, and emotional regulation, you help build safer, stronger connections.

Learning These Skills in Therapy

At Akua Family Therapy, we focus on teaching clients how to:

• Practice empathy and attunement in real time
  
  

• Use reflective listening and follow-up questions
  
  

• Develop self-awareness and emotional regulation
  
  

• Build healthy communication habits that last
  
  

These are the core foundations of effective couples therapy and relationship counseling. Our therapists model these techniques during sessions so that clients can take them home and apply them in daily life.

If you’re currently in therapy—or thinking about starting—ask your therapist to help you learn and practice these essential communication skills.

Learn More

For more resources on Nonviolent Communication, emotional regulation, and relationship tips, visit our Learning NVC page and explore our Learning Emotional Regulation blog page.

Related Topics:

• Couples therapy in Hawai‘i
  
  

• Christian marriage counseling
  
  

• Improving emotional communication
  
  

• How to manage conflict and rebuild trust
  
  

• Family therapy for better connection